If I Can Revert Time? (and make "them" exist)

If I can revert time and even make my "questionable personalities" exist...

If I can revert time and took action...

• I shouldn't have told Miki how I felt about her
• I should have thought of seeing a psychologist during 4th year *for those personalities I've been babbling for ages*
• I shouldn't have known Jasmin in the first place or barged into their organization, that's Guiltforge (for some)
• For worse, I should have killed myself before knowing Jasmin or even the Guiltforge
  
• My name in the RPG making scene will be clean
• I shouldn't have told Denise either about what I've felt
• I shouldn't have thought of retaliating everyone in Guiltforge (thanks to you Hatsuyashi, thanks to your ideas, now it made my life quite worse)
  

If I can make my personalities exist...

• I'll be able to determine who really am I from those personalities I've met and became a part of my mind, body and soul.
• I won't be alone now and be happy
• Those guys should help me in everything
• I can kill one or three of my personalities who caused my distorted image
• I'll gain more inspiration and reason to live
• Who knows that I can come up with something out of them
• I can just boss one of my personalities to play RAN Online for me and do all of the talking in some stuff concerning the RPG Making scene and about Guiltforge if I'm to be pressed.
  

I know only some schizophrenic human would even dream and think about this but due to the feelings and all the issues in my life, I brought this up for several reasons.

Really, for several reaons.

If...

LISTENING TO: Aozora by Lia (Air TV)

I haven't updated my blog that much and I have something sad to share tonight, and it was my "kababayan" in Australia's niece in danger.

According to her journal ( retrieved from http://enexodia.deviantart.com ):
Hi everyone, I just received news just today that my 1 year old niece had a problem with her operation ;_;

Her heart was already in a bad condition at first and I believe because of the prayers everyone felt for her she survived as a miracle happened to her heart, some kind of parasite came in and acted like some substitute as a way to her lungs for breathing.

But something happened, today she was operated to remove a stuck tube on her last operation which was last year. But today....

After the operation, her heart tubes reacted to some sort and now it failed on her.

Her heart was supposed to be beating to a 100 but it became 22 for 20 minutes. It was awful.

And now she's only alive because of a machine, And the doctor gave my auntie choices to either let the machine take care of her where there's this 50-50% chance that her kidney will shut down and her brain will be damaged and more complicated stuff that my dad didn't confirmed to me ;_;

The other option to shut down the machine and let her die.

I told my mom to tell them not to SHUT DOWN the machine because if we believe in God a miracle will occur *hopeful* I thought that last time she was saved with our prayer and this time it might work again. I feel bad to pray to God this much because something bad occurred but this is the only way I can think of to help her ;_;

I hate being powerless and hopeless...

....................PLEASE PRAY FOR ALEAH!!! She's still has a chance.

You know, I have a feeling if I have to suffer in exchange for her niece's life but is that possible? I know it's way too bold, risky and even suicidal if this was possible but for now, the power for her to be alive is through prayers.

A Kick to the Gamers, Including Me!

WATCHING: Emergency (01-11-2008 episode) [GMA Network]
PLAYING: RAN Online (Philippines Version)

Today's episode on Emergency was a kick in the head for the offline and online gamers including me! Actually I covered a research about this prevailing digital phenomenon during my ENGL02 class and unveiled its pros and cons, but actually I found more cons.

According to that episode in EMERGENCY, playing games whether online or offline is like taking drugs, why? Our brain produces dopamine, a chemical produced by the brain when the player's having fun being in the game world. Okay, an article from IGDA related to the bloggy topic today:

"Dr. Meunier informs us that these issues aren’t well known yet, even in the scientific community, and that dopamine production occurs during many types of repetitive activity, particularly repetitive activity that becomes increasingly more difficult or complex. She told us that she has issues with these kinds of studies because the control of what is actually causing the increase can’t be separated from the vehicle; that we don’t know for sure that the computer itself had anything to do with the dopamine increase. The doctor also amused us with the following, “If you had an autistic child banging their head against the wall over and over again, you might find increased dopamine. Does that mean that the person is addicted to banging their heads against the wall?”

Carly mentioned that using the term “addiction” when it comes to a game or game development should be used carefully. Calling something addictive that is simply really fun for a lot of people, or has barriers to exit, or generates an investment in the world for the user can be misleading and inaccurate. We should reserve that term for when we really mean addictive and use other terms when we describe development or design desires. Further, pretty much anything in the world can become addictive. And when developing a massively multiplayer online role playing game, which tends to mean creating a pretty full virtual world, means that we are essentially recreating a number of different types of activities, each of which could be potentially addictive for someone. She would have us consider the behaviors separately from the game itself and to deal with them separately."

Guys, do you know that once you get hooked in the digital crack, you are now putting your life on the line? Anytime, you can draw out your game character and incorporate it on you and who knows you can kill somebody even we're just playing a game!

Oh geez, being hooked to this crack is also like being contracted in a life-threatening game but not that apocalyptic like in Bokurano though.

To be honest, I'm still awake and doin' this in the middle of midnight which this is a suicidally bold move for someone like me.

a certain feeling

LISTENING: Anata ga... Inai by Kuribayashi Minami (School Days) and Melody Ni by KATSU (Strange Dawn)
WATCHING: SineSerye Presents: Patayin sa Sindak si Barbara {Episode 1} [ABS-CBN]
PLAYING: Fiesta Online (Outspark version)

I have a feeling that this "cradle" is coming back, this cradle is actually where I claim that I have other sides of self trying to manifest inside me...

I tried my best not to let them come back, but a situation called it, one of them from my cradle vowed for revenge...

To be honest, my cradle of personalities expanded insanely from 7 to 14 and many of them were unidentified, if I was insane, I shouldn't be posting anything 'bout how in the hell am I feeling right now.

Well, in other phrase, my SPD or MPD's going back like crazy.

Still do I really have those two? If I do, then I shouldn't be taking baths, nature calls and even forget the things I need to accomplish and my dreams will be futile if I have both of them under my sleeves.

Maybe I should take a break from those guys or from anything that incited my cradle to come back hell...

I dunno when I'll lose this feeling, I don't even know if I can dump my cradle in an instant...

Only time can tell for real...

imadoki no kanashi

LISTENING: Waltz by Itou Kanako (School Days)
WATCHING: nothing
PLAYING: nothing

"If I have enough power, courage and this rage inside me, I can now wreck a network at will" ~Tsen Re

Today, I'm on dread, I just became a disgrace on my co-members...

Back from the Long Blog Break

LISTENING: Uninstall by Chiaki Ishikawa (BOKURANO opening theme)
WATCHING: Bokurano Episode 13
PLAYING: Survival Crisis Z (hehehe! An indie zombie RPG done in VB6 and in some unknown proggy)

Hatsuya-kun's a GetAmped Fighter!
Say, for the GetAmped players in the Philippines, I ranked approximately at 300th spot in the GetAmped Philippines server and my character's a fighter which I had a plan to change his skin to Eriol Hiiragizawa (CCS) or Masaru Kodaka (Bokurano) or even as the Masked Rider Psyga!

Higher Grades, nya!
Say, did I just say something about grades? Well yes, I mentioned it and so far, two of my computer subjects, they're in the line of 9 or in 1's and I can't believe it! I hope my other subjects are fine...

"File of Mankind" Sci-Fi Tactical RPG Retitled and Upgraded!
Sorry to disappoint those who played my File of Mankind short trailer-ish demo but I migrated my game to RPG Maker XP and retitled into Archive of Humanity series.

Those Rainbow Feathers I Have

RAINBOW FEATHERS Part 1

In the middle of a mad rainstorm
I flew through the harsh winds of hardships
I don't know where I just came from...
I just blanked out on the dead ground

I found my wings scattered and lost
They are a part of me for real
What's left, just black and white feathers
Now I'm in a surreal blind world

I must gather my rainbow feathers
Each one has a part of my self
I can't fully fly high back way home
Would I wait till I die dread cold?

I must find them all my feathers
For I believe they'll complete me
So that I am free from my troubles
I shall get my rainbow feathers...

As I pick up my precious feathers
I realize what I am made of
With all the mem'ries I've recalled
I found my strengths and my flaws

Oh what I've done to myself so bad?
Why do I have to take them all?
Are there enough big reasons for me
To pick them all then someday I'll fly?

RAINBOW FEATHERS Part 2

As I take my precious feathers,
I finally found my real whole self
Now I'm set to fly through the rain
Then move back to the way I preferred

My rainbow feathers, my own selves
I've finally found what really I am
I'll keep believin' that I'm there
Some time, I'm free from my troubles

Light, help me to be what I was
Guide me change, brighten me and save me
From losing them and be darkened
May my feathers lead me back to light...

What's with the Rainbow Feathers?

"How I wish I can reclaim what's lost, revert time and avert my damned stunts..."

"I think I've nearly ate every deadly sin that God ever named in my whole life"

"What's worse is that those I consider my loved ones and friends are beginning to turn back"

"Thanks to my distorted double-edged ambitions, my greed for power and fame, and my pride"

"I should now recover my feathers, apologize to them and try my best to reclaim what's lost and finally form my real self"