The Fencer's Fences

If I Can Revert Time? (and make "them" exist)

2008-02-18T01:40:00.000-08:00

If I can revert time and even make my "questionable personalities" exist...

If I can revert time and took action...

I shouldn't have told Miki how I felt about her
I should have thought of seeing a psychologist during 4th year *for those personalities I've been babbling for ages*
I shouldn't have known Jasmin in the first place or barged into their organization, that's Guiltforge (for some)
For worse, I should have killed myself before knowing Jasmin or even the Guiltforge
My name in the RPG making scene will be clean
I shouldn't have told Denise either about what I've felt
I shouldn't have thought of retaliating everyone in Guiltforge (thanks to you Hatsuyashi, thanks to your ideas, now it made my life quite worse)

If I can make my personalities exist...

I'll be able to determine who really am I from those personalities I've met and became a part of my mind, body and soul.
I won't be alone now and be happy
Those guys should help me in everything
I can kill one or three of my personalities who caused my distorted image
I'll gain more inspiration and reason to live
Who knows that I can come up with something out of them
I can just boss one of my personalities to play RAN Online for me and do all of the talking in some stuff concerning the RPG Making scene and about Guiltforge if I'm to be pressed.

I know only some schizophrenic human would even dream and think about this but due to the feelings and all the issues in my life, I brought this up for several reasons.

Really, for several reaons.

If...

2008-02-04T02:47:00.000-08:00

LISTENING TO: Aozora by Lia (Air TV)

I haven't updated my blog that much and I have something sad to share tonight, and it was my "kababayan" in Australia's niece in danger.

According to her journal ( retrieved from http://enexodia.deviantart.com ):
Hi everyone, I just received news just today that my 1 year old niece had a problem with her operation ;_;

Her heart was already in a bad condition at first and I believe because of the prayers everyone felt for her she survived as a miracle happened to her heart, some kind of parasite came in and acted like some substitute as a way to her lungs for breathing.

But something happened, today she was operated to remove a stuck tube on her last operation which was last year. But today....

After the operation, her heart tubes reacted to some sort and now it failed on her.

Her heart was supposed to be beating to a 100 but it became 22 for 20 minutes. It was awful.

And now she's only alive because of a machine, And the doctor gave my auntie choices to either let the machine take care of her where there's this 50-50% chance that her kidney will shut down and her brain will be damaged and more complicated stuff that my dad didn't confirmed to me ;_;

The other option to shut down the machine and let her die.

I told my mom to tell them not to SHUT DOWN the machine because if we believe in God a miracle will occur *hopeful* I thought that last time she was saved with our prayer and this time it might work again. I feel bad to pray to God this much because something bad occurred but this is the only way I can think of to help her ;_;

I hate being powerless and hopeless...

....................PLEASE PRAY FOR ALEAH!!! She's still has a chance.

You know, I have a feeling if I have to suffer in exchange for her niece's life but is that possible? I know it's way too bold, risky and even suicidal if this was possible but for now, the power for her to be alive is through prayers.

A Kick to the Gamers, Including Me!

2008-01-11T08:45:00.000-08:00

WATCHING: Emergency (01-11-2008 episode) [GMA Network]
PLAYING: RAN Online (Philippines Version)

Today's episode on Emergency was a kick in the head for the offline and online gamers including me! Actually I covered a research about this prevailing digital phenomenon during my ENGL02 class and unveiled its pros and cons, but actually I found more cons.

According to that episode in EMERGENCY, playing games whether online or offline is like taking drugs, why? Our brain produces dopamine, a chemical produced by the brain when the player's having fun being in the game world. Okay, an article from IGDA related to the bloggy topic today:

"Dr. Meunier informs us that these issues aren’t well known yet, even in the scientific community, and that dopamine production occurs during many types of repetitive activity, particularly repetitive activity that becomes increasingly more difficult or complex. She told us that she has issues with these kinds of studies because the control of what is actually causing the increase can’t be separated from the vehicle; that we don’t know for sure that the computer itself had anything to do with the dopamine increase. The doctor also amused us with the following, “If you had an autistic child banging their head against the wall over and over again, you might find increased dopamine. Does that mean that the person is addicted to banging their heads against the wall?”

Carly mentioned that using the term “addiction” when it comes to a game or game development should be used carefully. Calling something addictive that is simply really fun for a lot of people, or has barriers to exit, or generates an investment in the world for the user can be misleading and inaccurate. We should reserve that term for when we really mean addictive and use other terms when we describe development or design desires. Further, pretty much anything in the world can become addictive. And when developing a massively multiplayer online role playing game, which tends to mean creating a pretty full virtual world, means that we are essentially recreating a number of different types of activities, each of which could be potentially addictive for someone. She would have us consider the behaviors separately from the game itself and to deal with them separately."

Guys, do you know that once you get hooked in the digital crack, you are now putting your life on the line? Anytime, you can draw out your game character and incorporate it on you and who knows you can kill somebody even we're just playing a game!

Oh geez, being hooked to this crack is also like being contracted in a life-threatening game but not that apocalyptic like in Bokurano though.

To be honest, I'm still awake and doin' this in the middle of midnight which this is a suicidally bold move for someone like me.

a certain feeling

2008-01-07T01:54:00.000-08:00

LISTENING: Anata ga... Inai by Kuribayashi Minami (School Days) and Melody Ni by KATSU (Strange Dawn)
WATCHING: SineSerye Presents: Patayin sa Sindak si Barbara {Episode 1} [ABS-CBN]
PLAYING: Fiesta Online (Outspark version)

I have a feeling that this "cradle" is coming back, this cradle is actually where I claim that I have other sides of self trying to manifest inside me...

I tried my best not to let them come back, but a situation called it, one of them from my cradle vowed for revenge...

To be honest, my cradle of personalities expanded insanely from 7 to 14 and many of them were unidentified, if I was insane, I shouldn't be posting anything 'bout how in the hell am I feeling right now.

Well, in other phrase, my SPD or MPD's going back like crazy.

Still do I really have those two? If I do, then I shouldn't be taking baths, nature calls and even forget the things I need to accomplish and my dreams will be futile if I have both of them under my sleeves.

Maybe I should take a break from those guys or from anything that incited my cradle to come back hell...

I dunno when I'll lose this feeling, I don't even know if I can dump my cradle in an instant...

Only time can tell for real...

imadoki no kanashi

2007-12-19T00:22:00.000-08:00

LISTENING: Waltz by Itou Kanako (School Days)
WATCHING: nothing
PLAYING: nothing

"If I have enough power, courage and this rage inside me, I can now wreck a network at will" ~Tsen Re

Today, I'm on dread, I just became a disgrace on my co-members...

Back from the Long Blog Break

2007-12-07T07:46:00.000-08:00

LISTENING: Uninstall by Chiaki Ishikawa (BOKURANO opening theme)
WATCHING: Bokurano Episode 13
PLAYING: Survival Crisis Z (hehehe! An indie zombie RPG done in VB6 and in some unknown proggy)

Hatsuya-kun's a GetAmped Fighter!
Say, for the GetAmped players in the Philippines, I ranked approximately at 300th spot in the GetAmped Philippines server and my character's a fighter which I had a plan to change his skin to Eriol Hiiragizawa (CCS) or Masaru Kodaka (Bokurano) or even as the Masked Rider Psyga!

Higher Grades, nya!
Say, did I just say something about grades? Well yes, I mentioned it and so far, two of my computer subjects, they're in the line of 9 or in 1's and I can't believe it! I hope my other subjects are fine...

"File of Mankind" Sci-Fi Tactical RPG Retitled and Upgraded!
Sorry to disappoint those who played my File of Mankind short trailer-ish demo but I migrated my game to RPG Maker XP and retitled into Archive of Humanity series.

Those Rainbow Feathers I Have

2007-11-02T06:07:00.000-07:00

RAINBOW FEATHERS Part 1

In the middle of a mad rainstorm
I flew through the harsh winds of hardships
I don't know where I just came from...
I just blanked out on the dead ground

I found my wings scattered and lost
They are a part of me for real
What's left, just black and white feathers
Now I'm in a surreal blind world

I must gather my rainbow feathers
Each one has a part of my self
I can't fully fly high back way home
Would I wait till I die dread cold?

I must find them all my feathers
For I believe they'll complete me
So that I am free from my troubles
I shall get my rainbow feathers...

As I pick up my precious feathers
I realize what I am made of
With all the mem'ries I've recalled
I found my strengths and my flaws

Oh what I've done to myself so bad?
Why do I have to take them all?
Are there enough big reasons for me
To pick them all then someday I'll fly?

RAINBOW FEATHERS Part 2

As I take my precious feathers,
I finally found my real whole self
Now I'm set to fly through the rain
Then move back to the way I preferred

My rainbow feathers, my own selves
I've finally found what really I am
I'll keep believin' that I'm there
Some time, I'm free from my troubles

Light, help me to be what I was
Guide me change, brighten me and save me
From losing them and be darkened
May my feathers lead me back to light...

What's with the Rainbow Feathers?

"How I wish I can reclaim what's lost, revert time and avert my damned stunts..."

"I think I've nearly ate every deadly sin that God ever named in my whole life"

"What's worse is that those I consider my loved ones and friends are beginning to turn back"

"Thanks to my distorted double-edged ambitions, my greed for power and fame, and my pride"

"I should now recover my feathers, apologize to them and try my best to reclaim what's lost and finally form my real self"

“Goin’ against all odds towards to your dreams”

2007-10-06T19:53:00.000-07:00

“Goin’ against all odds towards to your dreams”

“How could achieve your dreams if there were factors suppressing it? How would you fight your way just to achieve your dream? Are you willing to defy what these factors do to you? Are you willing to sacrifice anything to achieve your dream?”

If you are really desperate in achieving your dreams, try balancing out your life in different fields, if you were able to balance those, then that would mean something where it’s going to be a gamble against destiny and to any surrounding factors around you.

There are times in life where you have to fight your way out and make your final decision, especially on what course you’ve picked up for your college. What if the course you’ve picked up really got along with your interests and in your dreams? Then it would be a good combination for your awaiting “rainbow-colored” future. However, you really can’t avoid any factors that may threaten your progress in achieving your dreams, especially your parents and any of your significant others!

Of course, when dealing with your significant beings, go with diplomacy first, say your side on why did you prefer this or that rather than their preferences. If that didn’t work then you were a victim of your own family’s [clan’s] dictatorship and that may spell rebellion or should I say “mutiny” on your part.

Ehem! This is not where we’ll go Columbine/V-TECH Fragfest and kill our significant beings but rather show what you’re made of and that would work if you have these items in your journey:

· BALANCE: One of your default weapons in surviving the real world and its special feature is what we call the “TIME MANAGEMENT”. This weapon lets us balance our time spent on our “lives in different worlds/industries”.

· RESISTANCE: Another weapon you have as you live in this variably rainbow-colored world. What’s up with this [RESISTANCE]? This weapon even comes with a decision-making skill for your life. If you know any factor suppressing your progress, of course resist them either by the diplomat’s approach or for a life-gambling EX-Soldier approach.

Being an aspiring game developer…

The reason why I wrote this “thread” [article] is that I can’t avoid hindrances in achieving my dream as a game developer [for real, not just in amateurish game development programs like the RPG Tsukuru series] especially my dad. Yep, my dad who wanted me instead to construct an operating system, or beat the brains behind the RPG Tsukuru by makin’ my own game engine!

OK, this can be a mind-squeezer if you can’t balance your lives in different fields you’re takin’ on. For instance, I have my normal college life, then my life as an amateur game developer, and as a player, it may really sound tedious and you’re not Uzumaki Naruto to handle all of these all at once, so this is where sacrifice and balancing stuff come into your game in this world!

Not necessarily that you’ll suddenly leave your favorite MMOG world or even stop makin’ games or worse, stoppin’ or goin’ hell out with your academics! The best answer is time management of course and this is one of the “weapons for balance” you’ll wield as you battle your way in this real world.

Me, as an aspiring game developer, I even managed to get myself up to the dean’s list but startin’ in the lower level first [thanks to my mathematical flaws, I started low!], while I have a level 21 Bellato Warrior in RF Online and even workin’ on my RPG [still in its remake phase]. It may sound absurd and dumb for some but if you really know how to wield your BALANCE properly and that’s it!

"Feeding a Hamster with Toasted Bread!"

2007-10-05T01:54:00.000-07:00

Another randomly-titled post for this day and I have some crap to share today,

6:45am :
I made four sprites for my upcoming RM2K3 game named File of Mankind Episode ZERO-1 and that's not enough for me to make my own charset for my game.

9:30am ~ 12:00nn :
I just played Tales of the World: Radiant Mythology on my college friend's PSP and I just promoted my character into a Swordie on that game and got most of the Symphonia characters!

Also, we supposed to have a 1st Friday Mass on our school but nay, it was postponed due to the priest's absence!

END SESSION!

"Thoughtful Hamsters"

2007-10-03T02:00:00.000-07:00

The title really had no connection on what I'm goin' to post today, it's just a random thought...

Well, is it really possible to balance your academic life with your other lives like your MMOG life or even your love life altogether?

If you believe in yourself that you can handle all of your lives, then do it!

In other news, nearly everybody in my college began callin' out my name for assistance in Computer Programming 01 class and yet I can't handle all of them so I'm a bit confused.

Also, I tried AMA's E-learning website and I took three quizzes for my Filipino 01 subject and I only passed one quiz which was a bit like an "ouchie" for me!

In really other news, why do Bellatos in RF Online Philippines often got pawned by Corites and Accretians anyway? One obvious answer, alliance does it!

RM Downfall at GW’s Game & Demo Design Competition

2007-10-02T08:45:00.000-07:00

Who remembered anything about the recent Gaming World’s Game and Demo Design competition?

Many of the competitors including me and Nessiah are all RPG Maker/RPG Tsukuru users and we’re nearly swiped off by the few outstanding yet graphically crappy competitors armed with other minor game makers! This can’t be! This isn’t a normal match! What I’ve remembered about nearly a dozen of RM Entries that got swiped:

The Illusionist with Japan Land: Akari's Curse
Hatsuya Kanzaki with File of Mankind Episode ZERO
Kraden with Brave Story
GZ with Potato Chaos
headphone with Party Egg Future Adventure
neo_prime with Game in the Gun
Nessiah Equinox with Sacred Moon Special Encore
Marcus with Black Sheep
tears123 with The Amazing Race
Shinan with Untitled
Quickening with Lynette's Quest
Bisse with GoldenEye 2D
Sanosuke with Project Unreal
Blitzen with Gunslingers
Chef & Drule with The Diary of Anne Frank: Shareware
elkalo with Avenger

Active
First Round Exit
Second Round Exit
Final Four Exit

*Names in Italic are made using RM series

I even remember that during Ness-chan’s match, it was really a tight fight between an RM2K3 game done by my “kababayan” and an old-school AGS game made by Shinan and what’s worse, there was a “Simon Cowell – Joey De Leon” cross-bred GW member named Grindie that really heated this competition until it reached a point where the first match might be locked due to his damn intervention!

I also did my part there and even made two cronies to support my “kababayan” and at least providing a back-up for the prevalent RM industry.

Personality Swing

2007-10-02T02:00:00.000-07:00

"Hello to all, umm... just some stuff to spit out. My personality cradles are out again and that means, my other selves began showing each time I change my mood and personalities"

EDIT:

I have multiple personalities yet tryin' to cover all of them out from others' eyes and to start countin' my personalities, I have to warn everybody for this: THIS MAY SOUND FREAKISH BUT I HAVE TO SHARE THIS, ALSO I TEND TO NAME MY PERSONALITY SETS BY NAMES!

Hatsuya Kanzaki (my normal self): That's my normal sociable self where you can talk to me normally yet sometimes you might find me funny. I tend to crack up lots of allusions when I'm this guy.
Hatoru Munakata (my jokester self): My second personality, I tend to crack up more allusions (usually TV Show Allusions), deeper Tagalog and a bit more funny. I usually wear green if I happen to be him.
Hatsuyashi (my morbid self): He's a bit same to my normal self but hey, he tends to put some words or anything associated with death, mutilation or anything about killings especially about politics.
Mirai Kuroi (my hopeless self): That's me if I got a bit hopeless regardless of how big or small things were. I tend to be alone if he happened to manifest in me. Expect me wearin' black clothing if I happen to be him. If I'm in Mirai Kuroi's state, I can make emo poems and even emo songs.
Yuiichi Takano ( *Sean Kingston song anyone?* the suicidal one): That's me if Mirai (the hopeless me) got worser than the usual. If I'm really hopeless where I began to cry silently, do lots of morbid art, do morbid, hopeless, suicidal songs and even worse, attempting to kill self by anything available in one area. Good thing that this guy, or should I say, this personality nearly never showed up...
Tsen Re: The real violent one, he's far from both Hatsuya and Hatsuyashi!

Fences Laid

2007-09-22T20:18:00.000-07:00

Hello, this is Hatsuya-kun and I just opened my real blog!

Well, some news required to be placed on my fences,

I'm on the dean's list in AMA Paranaque but in rank 9, tied with 3 girls and my grade was 1.70! At least its a good start!
I'm now working on two games but I only concentrated on my sci-fi RPG first. Where to see it? http://www.fileofmankind-philippines.blogspot.com